A Valentine Play
by Demented Insane Spirit
Summary: A school play is going on and the YGO gang is in it. Apparently, their parts aren’t going to fit them too well. Oneshot


DIS: Well, I had to make a Valentine HUMOR fic, and I got the most HILARIOUS idea for it when I was working on another fic. I was going to put it in that fic, but decided, why the hell not make this?

Marik: (reads title) Oh Ra I hate you.

DIS: We all know that's not true, Marik.

Marik: Oh yes it is...I bet you I'm going to get the worst part.

DIS: Shut up and yes.

Marik: DAMMIT!

DIS: Hehehe, read below and enjoy! (grin)

-

_Title: A Valentine Play_

_Genre: Humor_

_Rating: R for language, lol_

_Summary: A school play is going on and the YGO gang is in it. Apparently, their parts aren't going to fit them too well. RR_

_Notes/Warnings: OOC, language_

_Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh, but I do own this plot, hahaha._

_-_

**_A Valentine Play_**

"Children," Mr. Huston, the teacher spoke up, "we are going to be doing a play and I want you all to be on your best behavior. Anzu, will you pass out the scripts?"

"Sure, Mr. Huston!" Anzu snatched the scripts and threw them into the air above her fellow students heads. They all blinked as they fell on the floor, their heads, or their desks.

"I...Um..." Mr. Huston just stared at her in surprise.

"It seemed like the more practical way to do it." Anzu said, shrugging and sitting back down.

"Anyway," Mr. Huston said after they all had the scripts, "I've got your parts. Here they are:

Anzu: Witch, Diana

Marik: Cupid

Yuugi: Lumberjack, Joe

Rex: Little village girl, Mary

Yami: Little village boy, Don

Weevil: Mormon woman, Sarah

Jou: Intelligent scholar, Mike

Honda: Popular jock, Derek

Otogi: Cheerleader girl, Lisa

Mai: Innocent nerd, Natalie

Kaiba: Stupid blondie, Joey (ironic)

Shizuka: Curtain puller

Miho: Narrator

Malik: Innocent elf, Fillies

Ryou: Warlock, Doran

Bakura: Little boy, Charley

"WHAT THE HELL!" Bakura roared. "CHARLEY?"

"I'M A STUPID BLONDE?" Kaiba shouted in outrage.

"CUPID? WHY YOU LITTLE—"

"So let's go to the gym to rehearse!" Mr. Huston chirped innocently. They all growled at him and reluctantly followed.

-

"Okay, scene one!" Mr. Huston called to them.

"Um..." Mai looked down at the script. "It was a sunny day, almost Valentine's Day, in fact. CUPID—" Mai shot a look at Marik, who entered the scene "—was thinking of who he was going to make fall in love."

Silence.

"CUPID!" Mr. Huston whispered.

"(groan) This is so stupid...Oh who should I have fuck each other this year?" Marik asked, twisting the words.

"MARIK!"

"Fine! Who shall I have love each other this year? Shall it be the witch and the warlock? Or Mary and Don? Or perhaps Natalie and Joey? So many decisions. Makes me want to kill them all cos they need a cock to suck on..."

"MARIK!"

"WELL I DON'T WANT TO BE CUPID, DAMMIT!"

"TOO BAD!"

-

Marik was hanging up above Yami and Rex, or Don and Mary. He saw how far above the ground he was and he gulped, turning green.

"The arrow, Marik!" Anzu whispered up to him. He gulped again and shot the air. It reflected off a glass mirror and his eyes went wide as it came back at him.

SLICE.

"HOLY RA!" Marik started swinging back and forth, holding where the arrow was locked on his butt.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Marik shot at them and looked down. He turned green and in a minute it was raining Marik's stomach...fluids...

"UGH!" Yami spit out what had gotten into his mouth.

"DISGUSTING!" Rex flung off his coat and made a look of total, utter disgust.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT!" Marik shouted at them. "GET ME DOWN! GET ME DOWN, DAMMIT! I'M HEIGHTPHOBIA!"

"Oh stop whining like a baby." Anzu said, rolling her eyes.

"SCREW YOU ANZU!"

"YOU ALREADY HAVE!"

"I'M ABOUT TO RAPE YOU IN FEW SHORT SECONDS!" Marik sawed at the rope that was keeping him up. It gave and he fell down. "Oops..."

SLAM!

"……ouch." Marik groaned.

"Is cupid okay?" Mr. Huston asked, ignoring all the foul remarks they had shot at each other. Or trying to at least.

"I'm not certain..." Yami said, blinking and cocking his head a bit. "His body is sort of twisted."

"Oh nice." Malik said, groaning. "Another medical bill. We really need to get him medical insurance here soon."

Everyone: (Oo)

-

"The pain! Oh the humanity!" Marik groaned, clutching where the bruise was.

"(-.-) Marik, you're lucky they put back in all the bones that were dislocated." Anzu said to him.

"How would _you_ like it if you had that happen to you, huh!" Marik demanded of her. She rolled her eyes.

"Oh shut up already, _cupid_."

"DON'T CALL ME THAT, RA DAMMIT!"

"What was that?" The Doctor came in, blinking.

"Nothing, Doctor!" Anzu assured him, beaming at the rather handsome medical dude.

"Er, okay." He looked down at his clipboard. "Mr. Cupid Ishtar—" Marik's eyes widened at what Malik and Anzu had put his name as "—seems to be recovering very quickly. In fact, we're letting you go home, aren't you happy, Mrs. Cupid Ishtar?" Marik

s jaw dropped at that and Anzu face faulted.

"I beg your pardon?" She asked politely. "I'm not his wife, I'm—"

"Oh but you stayed here with him for so long and slept in the cot with him." The Doctor smiled enviously at them.

"You...Did..._What_...Mazaki?" Marik hissed through clenched teeth.

"It was so very sweet to see you two all snuggled up on the cot." The Doctor continued.

"_Snuggled_?" Both Anzu and Marik repeated, their eyes going huge.

"I didn't take the tests then. I wasn't all too sure if you two had your clothes on under the blankets."

"_What...?_"

"Anyhoodleburgers," The Doctor smiled at them, "here's your test results and you bill. Bye bye!"

Silence.

"YOU DID WHAT?" Marik roared at her. "YA LIL WHORE!"

"I DID NOT SLEEP WITH YOU, MARIK!"

"LIAR!"

-

"Cupid, your...Uh...(OO) Wow." Yami just stared at Marik, who had a black eye and was using crutches.

"A piece of advice for you, Pharaoh," Marik grumbled, "never piss Princess Friendship off."

"(OO) You didn't know that?"

"Shut up before I demolish you."

"I remember what happened last time I pissed her off..."

Flashback 

"_I won! Oh yeah, in your butt-ugly face, Anzu!"_

"_WHAT?"_

_GRAB!_

"_OH MY RA, MY MANHOOD! SHE'S GOT MY MANHOOD!"_

_CRUNCH!_

"_AWWWWWWWWW! THE PAIN! AIIIEEEEE!"_

_End Flashback_

Yami shuddered and grabbed his groin, glancing over at Anzu, who was powdering her face daintily.

"And to think such a cute thing would turn into a beast." Malik said, over hearing their conversation.

" 'Cute' ?" Marik and Yami repeated.

"Yeah, she's—"

THUMP!

"Ow." Malik mumbled.

"Aw, your so _sweet!_" Anzu said, nuzzling against Malik on the floor after having attacking him...Somewhat.

"Erm...Sweet enough that you'll kiss me?" Malik asked hopefully. Anzu gave a pondering look, than shrugged.

"Later though!" Marik and Yami gagged at them.

"I have been a good boy for a lot of damn days and yet she doesn't give _me_ a kiss...Or a squeeze."

"She might not have noticed, but I groping her." Marik said, smirking perversely.

SMACK!

"Ouch." Marik rubbed his head. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR, PHARAOH?"

"I dunno."

"Then you're a moron."

"I dunno."

"You idiot."

"I dunno."

"(oO) What a reknob..." Marik said and hopped away with his crutches.

"I DUNNO!" Yami called to the retreating figure of Marik.

SMACK!

Yami felt to the ground after his mouth hit the wall.

"When did that get there?" Yami asked curiously, blinking at the wall that had always been there.

-

"Okay, we're almost done, so let's try this again."

"Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo?" Rex called to Yami.

"(OO)" Mr, Huston blinked. "We're not doing Romeo and Juliet!"

"Oh." Rex blinked. "Don, Don, where art thou Don?" Mr. Huston slapped his forehead, shaking his head.

"Um, there's a kissing part in this scene, do we have to do that?" Yami asked awkwardly.

"Yes, you do. NOW SAY THE RIGHT LINES, REX!"

"Um...Don, Don, I love you with all my heart, I want to fuck you hard and make you so hard, you'll be begging for my donut!"

"Donut?" Marik repeated, hanging above them and shrugged and shot Yami with an arrow.

"OW! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?" Kaiba shouted, taking the arrow out of his butt.

"You were in my way, you fat ass!" Marik shouted to Kaiba, who glared at him. Marik snickered and shot another arrow and it hit Yami this time.

"OUCH!" Yami rubbed where his butt was shot and took the arrow out. "Um..." He glanced at the script. "Oh Mary, how hard you make me! I want to fuck you and fuck you and fuck you and fuck until you're..." Yami blinked. "Wetter than hell?"

"Is that the actual script?" Marik mumbled to himself.

"Yes, yes, keep on going!" Mr. Huston called, licking his lips.

"We're supposed to fuck in this scene!" Rex shouted.

"So?"

"This isn't the script we had earlier!"

"Oh you're right!" Mr. Huston said, smirking, "It's a porn script. Oops I did it again!"

" 'Oops I did it again' ?" Mai repeated. "Britney Spears is a total slut."

"So are you, but no one said anything." Weevil pointed out.

"SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, BUG BUTT!"

"BUBBLE BUTT!"

"SLUT LOVER!"

"BITCH!"

"FAT COW!"

"JOU FUCKER!"

"REX FUCKER!"

"HEY!" Rex shouted. "I wouldn't fuck Weevil in a million years!"

"So?" Mai raised an eyebrow at him. "I don't care."

-

"Look at all those people out there!" Mai whispered. It was the night the play was to actually be, er, played!

"I'm so nervous...And not even fucking Malik helped!" Anzu whispered to Mai, looking anxious.

"Did you guys do foreplay?"

"No, we like to get right into it."

"So do I. I think all the men I sleep with get disappointed though."

"Mai, you have to get out there!"

"Right!" Mai went out to the microphone and cleared her throat. "Welcome everyone to 'A Valentine Play'! Ironically, my last name is Valentine!" Mai flipped her hair over her shoulder and let out a giggle. "Anyway, I hope you enjoy the play, I am the narrator!" The curtains were pulled back and began. "It was a sunny day, almost Valentine's Day, in fact. CUPID was thinking of who he was going to make fall in love."

"Oh boy..." Marik mumbled to himself. "Who shall I have love each other this year? Shall it be the witch and the warlock? Or Mary and Don? Or perhaps Natalie and Joey? Or perhaps have them all love each other, die and be resurrected?" Mai groaned, hoping that he wasn't going to be like this the whole play. "Or maybe I'll make the witch, Diana, fall in love with the elf, Fillies." Marik smirked, knowing that he didn't have to that. "So many decisions, so little time."

"As cupid thought of who should learn to love, Joey was walking to school and saw gum on the ground!" Mai narrated. Kaiba grumbled, staring at the gum on the ground.

"Looks like gum..." He hissed and licked it, shuddering, "Tastes like gum..." He shuddered again, "IT'S FUCKING ABC GUM!"

Audience: (OO)

Mr. Huston winced as Kaiba started stomp on the gum in anger.

"DAMMIT, IT'S ON MY SHOES NOW! THESE ARE BRAND NEW TOO!"

"Um...And, er, behind the bleachers Derek and Lisa were...OMG!" When they changed to that scene, Honda and Otogi were really making out as the characters and were...liking it? "UH...DIFFERENT SCENE!" They changed to a scene where the witch and warlock (Anzu and Ryou) were...doing something.

"No, no, Malik should be upside down in the pot to boil." Anzu was saying.

"Maybe we should put him on a stick instead and cook him while spinning him, yes?" Ryou suggested.

"What fun would that be? My arm would get tired, anyway." Anzu said, wringing her arm.

"What do you propose we do then?" Ryou demanded.

"I say we strip him and rape him." Anzu explained.

"You can rape him, I'm not." Ryou said, appalled of the idea.

"But what fun would that be?"

"Raping is not fun."

"Sure it is!"

"No, Anzu, it's not! It's a crime!"

"Fine, _I'll_ rape Malik and you can cook him when I'm done."

"Then we can eat him!" Ryou announced, smiling. Of course, neither of them was aware that everyone could hear them.

"Perfect!" Malik, who was standing off stage, looked pale. They were really going to eat him!

"Uh, Anzu?" Ryou asked uncertainly.

"Yes?"

"I think it's our part."

"Huh?" Anzu turned and blinked at the audience. "Damn!"

-

"Oh Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo?" Rex called over to Yami, who slapped his forehead.

"Idiot..."

"I mean...Don, oh my loving Don, do you not love me no more?" Rex sweat dropped.

"I have never loved you, HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Hahahahahaha?" The audience repeated blandly, blinking.

"Damn, I'm going to hit Kaiba's fat head..." Marik thought, hanging above Yami and Rex. "Oh well."

SLICE.

"YOU MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD, ASSHOLE, RAPING LIL BITCH!" Kaiba shouted, holding his hair where the arrow had cut it.

"(OO) Uh..." Marik just stared down at the rabid Kaiba, who was still swearing in English, Japanese, Egyptian and a whole lot of other languages Marik didn't know. He did catch—"—SISTER RAPING, MOTHER RAPING, INCEST LOVING—" but he decided not to listen to the rest of it in fear of shooting another arrow at Kaiba on purpose. While Kaiba was taken off of the stage, Marik shot an arrow at Yami and it hit the same spot it always did—On his butt.

"Ouchies!" Yami mumbled and took the arrow out of his butt. "Oh Mary!" Yami gasped, rubbing to Rex and hugging him. "I've always loved you, my little wench!" Rex gagged before he said,

"Oh...Don...(gag) kiss me...to...show your...(gag)love!" Rex ground out.

"Erm...Okay?" And then the most disgusting thing that will happen in this fic happened. They kissed with their tongues. The audience went, "AWW! HOW CUTE!" and the YGO gang went, "EWWW, HOW GROSS!" and Marik went, "HAHAHAHAHA!" pointed at Yami, laughing his ass off.

"And so, thanks to cupid..." Mai glanced at Marik, who was breathless with laughter, "Mary and Don lived happily until they died. The end!"

Everyone clapped. There was a lot of screw ups, but at least the end was 'okay'.

-

The next day, no one saw Yami and Rex, for they were at the hospital getting their mouths de-bacterialized.

"I feel bad for them, almost." Weevil said. "Okay, I don't, but hell, might as well say the first lie of the day!"

-

DIS: Yay! I've finally gotten this done! And in only 30 minutes!

Marik: I'm going to try to be nice when I say this...SHUT UP!

DIS: Someone cranky...Please review and tell me how you all liked it, ciao!


End file.
